So I’m moving back to Lakeland this weekend. I’m excited and feel like a huge weight was lifted from my shoulders. I can’t wait to be surrounded by so many people that I miss and love so much. I can’t wait to be back in church. Give my life back to God. Again.

I’m not coming home to hang out, or party, or play ball. I need to establish life. I’ve been home 10 months now and while I’ve done a lot of good and worked hard, I’ve really lived life selfishly for the most part. I made so many things all about James. I need to be closest to those who will hold me accountable and keep me focused on my relationship with God. 

We tried so hard to make it all work, to be friends, to ride out the lease, to get along. It just didn’t work. It’s both of our faults. Regardless of things, no one should have anything but respect for Tasha. In fact, I think so many people owe her an apology for not reaching out to her and asking if they can do anything when she was working so hard to take care of me. She was there for me when no one else was. We love each other, we just didn’t turn out the way we wanted. We need to be apart to heal the pain we have put each other through and hopefully have a friendship in the future.

So here we go. I’m ready. Pray that I stay focused.

I don’t believe in anything worth fighting for, worth dying for. 
I don’t believe the clouds are hiding much more than a reason to downpour. 
So what would you do if you were me? 
Give up, forget, and go back to sleep.

And I believe that heaven is like her ocean eyes, deeper than mountains climb. 
And I believe that hell is like watching her smile knowing she’ll never be mine. 
So what would you do if you were me? 
Just hide your heart and go back to sleep.
So go back to sleep.

I grind my teeth to dust
When I’m walking in my sleep
And with any luck I’ll walk all night
And end up at your feet

Free from all anxiety and panic
Wash away and let the city have it
And just get some sleep tonight
Because you’re by my side
And we’re still alive tonight

One day there will be no pills
Or hospital visits
And we’ll take back our lives
You’ll take it back tonight

One day we’ll be perfect
One day we’ll all sleep safe and sound
I swear on my eyes I’ll be back around

Believe me
One day we’ll all sleep safe and sound
I swear on my eyes I’ll be back around
I’ll be back around

For my friends that are Noles fans. (Taken with Instagram at Doak Campbell Stadium)

They say the mind is a terrible thing to waste.
Well I think someone needs to mention
that the heart can be the worst thing to express. 

In a romantic fashion 
I will experiment with my fear right before her eyes 
And every smile that’s unveiled will be soaked 
in my nervous charm 

And then I’ll say, 
“Is everything alright? 
There’s been a few things I’ve been meaning 
to let go of tonight” 
And she will say, 
“Everything’s just fine 
So you can put an end to your worrying mind” 
And then our lips will collide 

The August sky will then bare witness 
to a brand new chapter with torn up pages 
When the planets align, I can feel the gates opening 
to my courage 
As I proceed to run my fingers through her hair 
And forget everyone who’s jaded, ‘cause they don’t matter 
and I don’t care 

In a confident fashion 
I will admit my deepest and darkest to her 
And every gaze across the table 
will send my unsuspecting body into shock 

And then I’ll say, 
“Would you like to go inside? 
and forget the world and the rules 
by which we are to abide” 
And she will say, 
“There’s nothing I want more” 
As we step into the room, turn off the lights and close the door 

Brash and hopeful 
that my luck will not perish tonight 
And when the overcast tries to kill me 
it’s your slow motion rain 
that falls warm on my neck that keep me alive 

Consider this song a testament 
of my devotion to your sacharrine scent 
And to be completely honest 
You’re not like all the rest 

Hypothetically if you were point A
And theoretically if I was point B,
We could be, we should be frantically melting
Into one massive point
That could overcome anything

Today is May 1, 2012.
1103 days ago I met the one I will always want.
She was there for me through my darkest days,
when only God really paid attention to me.
That’s far from the only reason she’ll always be special to me.
There may be others who catch my eyes,
but there are none that can catch my heart.
At least not right now.
I’m just not interested.
I just have to be patient… 

Yep, pretty much…

Do I want to be selfish and please James?
Or do I want to be patient and have her?